


John Watson's YouTube Channel

by derp_lydia



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27306562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/derp_lydia/pseuds/derp_lydia
Summary: John Watson creates a vlog. Because why not.(And because Lestrade may or may not have dared him to do it.)
Relationships: Sherlock Holmes & John Watson, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Comments: 27
Kudos: 87





	1. An Introduction, I Guess

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fandoms4LifeFangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms4LifeFangirl/gifts).



> Author's Note:
> 
> I had a friend proof-read this (and I spammed her with ideas) and there's one thing that I just want to clarify: no, the YouTube channel does not exist. Sorry. Yeah, it's disappointing to me too.
> 
> Oh, and one more thing: the "transcriber" in this is not an author's note in the middle of the fic. It's just meant to enhance the story a bit. All author's notes will be put at the beginning or at the end. :)
> 
> Anyway, since we all hate long author's notes, let the fic commence!

Note from your friendly transcriber: The following transcripts are taken directly from John Watson’s YouTube channel. Use them for whatever you may need them for – erotica fanfiction or simply too lazy to watch the video, I don’t care. Just credit me if you repost, will ya?

* * *

_[A blurry camera comes into focus, showing John Watson sitting at a desk. He grins and waves cheerfully at the camera.]_

JOHN: Hello, Internet! This is my first vlog, I guess. A friend suggested it since all you really ever get to see is the cool ‘look at me, I’m a posh public school git’ side of Sherlock.

_[In the background, we hear some noise. Sherlock walks into frame, yawning and holding a mug full of a steaming liquid.]_

SHERLOCK: What are you doing?

JOHN: I’m vlogging.

SHERLOCK: What for?

JOHN: People should know that you’re human! Think of this as an extension of the blog.

SHERLOCK: (exasperated) Did Lestrade suggest this? Vlogging is a sad attempt for stardom for teenage girls that inevitably leads to their dreams being crushed and is a colossal waste of time.

_[Sherlock walks out of frame, most likely heading for the sofa.]_

JOHN: (chuckles awkwardly) Well, no one said he was friendly. He’s not usually like this. It’s just that we’ve hit a bit of a dry spell for cases. So, uh, drop your cases in Sherlock’s ask box. I’ll leave a link in the description.

SHERLOCK: (off-screen) They better not be boring.

JOHN: He’s a bit picky. (to Sherlock) If you want a case, then lower your expectations. Not all of them can be locked-door triple homicides. This is why Lestrade usually doesn’t have anything for you.

_[Sherlock, who is still off-screen, scoffs indignantly.]_

SHERLOCK: Of course not. If they were all the same scenario, it would get dull.

_[John frowns, sniffing the air.]_

JOHN: (to Sherlock) That better not be toxic. You know what happened last time.

_[With a grumble, Sherlock walks back into frame, entering the kitchen in the background. The soft clinking of glass is heard as John continues.]_

JOHN: Don’t mind him. The kitchen table is for his experiments, but the counter must be kept sanitary and it shouldn’t stink too badly. That’s our agreement.

_[In the background, Sherlock utters a bleeped-out curse. A faint hissing noise can be heard as he takes a step back, John glances behind him, sighs in resignation, and gets up.]_

JOHN: (to the camera) Be right back.

_[John goes to join Sherlock in the kitchen. The two exchange a brief conversation, too low to be picked up by the camera over the growing hissing noise. John reaches for the fire extinguisher just moments before something on the table bursts into a brilliant blue flame. John puts the fire out quickly, hands the fire extinguisher to Sherlock, and returns to his seat in front of the camera.]_

JOHN: (to the camera) Yeah, sorry about that. Fire’s pretty common. We’ve had to take out the smoke alarm in the kitchen. Mrs. Hudson – that’s our landlady, wonderful person – is okay with things like that. But I suppose we all go a bit mad after knowing Sherlock for long enough.

SHERLOCK: (faintly, from the kitchen) Heard that.

JOHN: (to Sherlock) You deserve that. That was, what, the third fire this week?

SHERLOCK: … fourth.

JOHN: You’re not helping your case.

_[John turns back towards the camera, a fond smile on his face.]_

JOHN: He really needs a case soon. Before he drives us all insane. Anyway, this is running a bit longer than I expected, so I’ll just end it here. Um, until the next one, I guess.

_[John reaches for the camera, and the video ends abruptly.]_

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_eeveelover123_ \- PLEASE tell us the story behind the toxic experiment I’ll donate a kidney  
[258 LIKES]

 _jack_ingof_ \- The beginning of a saga…  
[391 LIKES]

 _jerk_bitch_ \- Does anyone else feel like Sherlock’s basically a child? (In a good way, of course)  
_John Watson replied: Yes. He is._


	2. Flat Tour (and a case!)

_ [We see John Watson sitting on a worn leather couch. The coffee table that the camera rests on is a bit low, but it works. At the edge of the screen, on the wall, there is a bright yellow smiley face riddled with bullet holes.] _

JOHN: Hi! Me again. While Sherlock’s out at Bart’s right now, I figured I could film another vlog. As the title probably suggests, I’ll go around the flat and give you all a peek into our everyday lives.

_ [He picks up the camera. It’s a bit shaky at first, but evens out nicely as if he’s had practice before.] _

JOHN: (behind the camera) So this is the living room.

_ [The camera pans over the living room, from the door to the huge windows.] _

JOHN: (behind the camera) For clients, me and Sherlock sit there– (he gestures towards the armchairs by the fireplace) –and pull out this chair right here.

_ [He pats a chair tucked into the large, messy desk. The camera moves forward towards the unlit fireplace.] _

JOHN: (behind the camera) Don’t be alarmed by the knife and the skull on the mantle– Sherlock likes to stab things. Not people, of course. Usually letters and potential cases. As for the skull, I don’t actually know where he got it from. He’s had it from before we met. Maybe from the morgue, he goes there a lot.

_ [The camera moves into the kitchen. The table in the center of the room is covered in beakers, test tubes, Bunsen burners, and a microscope. Next to the sink, a few tea bags sit in a basket, and a kettle rests on the stove.] _

JOHN: (behind the camera) Not much to see here, really. Just a normal kitchen, but with a few… (he gently picks up a beaker, examining the neon pink liquid inside) ...whatever that is. I don’t want to know. Oh, and judging by the smell, probably part of some poor sap’s body in the fridge. You get used to it.

_ [The camera looks down a hallway with a closed door at the end.] _

JOHN: (behind the camera) That’s Sherlock’s room down at the end – I’m not gonna show it, before you ask. Bathroom’s on the left. My room is upstairs. And, uh, that’s about it.

_ [Some clinking of glass as he moves aside some vials to make room for the camera. We hear a text alert, and John pulls out his phone.] _

JOHN: Sherlock’s got a case. If all goes well, I’ll put it up on my blog – link in the description. Probably won’t film any of it, as it’s official police business and can get a bit gory at times. Well, I’ll be off.

\--------------------

_ [The camera cuts to John again, but in a different room. He’s sitting on a bed and judging by the light, it’s late afternoon.] _

JOHN: I’m in my room right now. Just got back from the crime scene about fifteen minutes ago. Can’t say much about it, but I can say this – Sherlock’s a bit confused. He’s in his mind palace right now and I don’t want to disturb him, so we’re up here.

_ [He pauses to take a drink of water.] _

JOHN: I should probably explain what that is. A mind palace is a memory technique. You choose a place – doesn’t have to be real – and assign memories to it. As long as you can find your way back to the place, you never forget what it is you wanted to remember. There’s probably a Wikipedia page on it if you’re interested. Method of loci or something.

SHERLOCK: (faintly, off-screen) John? I’ve got a theory. We’ll need to go to Bart’s.

JOHN: (loudly, towards the door) One second!

_ [He turns back to the camera, smiling sheepishly.] _

JOHN: Well, I’ve been summoned. Gotta go.

\--------------------

_ [The camera cuts to the living room, though it’s quite a bit darker than usual. In the low light, you can just barely make out a black eye on John’s weary face.] _

JOHN: (quietly) Sherlock’s off to bed for his post-case… whatever. He sleeps for about 13, 14 hours, eats like an actual human the next morning, and he’s back to normal. Us normal people can’t do that.

_ [He yawns and blinks a few times, clearly tired.] _

JOHN: It’s about three in the morning. As you’ve probably guessed, we caught the guy. He hits hard, though.

_ [He carefully presses along the edge of his black eye, wincing.] _

JOHN: This job does get a bit dangerous at times. Everyone’s got a gun or two, or at least a knife. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

_ [He stifles another yawn.] _

JOHN: That’s my cue to go to bed. I’m exhausted. Ending the video here.

_ [And with that, the video ends.] _

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ dorktorwho _ \- Oof. Looks painful. Wishing you a speedy recovery!  
[377 LIKES]

_ neonbluebanana _ \- Are those bullet holes in the wall on the smiley face? PLEASE SIR TELL US THE STORYYYYYY  
[514 LIKES]

_ stars-and-waves _ \- I’m partially convinced that Sherlock isn’t human  
[169 LIKES]


	3. Sherlock is Annoying

_ [John Watson comes to focus in an unfamiliar room. Behind him, sitting on the ground, is Sherlock, poring through photos scattered around him. The curtains are drawn and the room is brightly lit by lamps– it’s nighttime.] _

JOHN: Hi, guys. Sorry it’s been a while since my last video. We’ve been drowning in cases.

SHERLOCK: (not looking up) Speaking of, this one’s classified, isn’t it? After all, we got it from  _ [bleeped-out name] _ .

JOHN: Relax, I’m not showing anything from the case itself. And besides, since when have you been a stickler for classified or not?

_ [Sherlock looks up at John and smiles, but he doesn’t say anything. John doesn’t notice this, as he’s facing the other way.] _

JOHN: (to Sherlock) You just don’t want another visit from  _ [bleeped-out name] _ again, don’t you?

_ [Sherlock grumbles something  _ ~~_ like the five-year-old that he secretly is _ ~~ _.] _

JOHN: (to the camera) You know, I’m still not a hundred percent sure what we’re doing here. Half the time, I’m just his sense of morals. And, uh, making sure we don’t break the law. Too much.

SHERLOCK: Probably-

JOHN: (cutting him off) Probably shouldn’t have said that, I know. I’ll edit it out.

_ NOTE FROM YOUR FRIENDLY TRANSCRIBER: He clearly did not edit it out. But it’s okay because we all know they break the law a bit. :) _

JOHN: Anyway, I will attempt to read my book tonight without Sherlock spoiling it.

SHERLOCK: At the end, Bi–

_ [John coughs loudly and turns around, presumably shooting Sherlock a look.] _

JOHN: Without Sherlock spoiling it.

_ [He turns back to the camera, smiling sweetly.] _

\--------------------

_ [A sleepy-looking John Watson is sitting at a desk, still in the same room as last night. Sherlock is nowhere to be seen, but the sounds of a running shower are in the background.] _

JOHN: It’s the next morning, and I’ve come here to complain. Sherlock spoiled the book as soon as I turned off the camera, so I can thank him for that. I’m waiting for Sherlock to get out of the shower, because he has to look perfect and pristine and whatever. He’s really quite vain. And in the end, it won’t even matter because we always end up looking like we rolled around in a pigsty at some point.

_ [John grins mischievously. An evil-villain-hand-rub wouldn’t look out of place.] _

JOHN: You know, I can say whatever I want about him right now and he wouldn’t be any the wiser.

_ [He pauses for a second, thinking.] _

JOHN: And of course, now that I have the opportunity, I can’t actually come up with anything. Well, there’s one thing, but it’s a bit of a blessing and a curse. So, Sherlock likes to play the violin well into the night. He’s a wonderful player so it’s not the playing, but rather the timing. By ‘well into the night’, I mean around 3, 4 in the morning. No, I don’t think he ever sleeps. Anyway, whenever we leave London for a case, he likes bringing his violin along too. But on this one, he’s left it behind. One too many noise complaints, I guess.

_ [In the background, the shower turns off. A few moments later, Sherlock steps into frame, wearing a dressing gown in place of his iconic coat and ruffling a fluffy towel through his hair.] _

SHERLOCK: First of all, I’d like to let the viewers know that I do watch John’s videos, and once he uploads this one, I’ll know exactly what he said about me. Secondly, every negative thing that he just said about me is false.

JOHN: I did not say anything negative.

_ [Sherlock gives John a once-over but doesn’t say anything.] _

JOHN: Oh, don’t do that.

SHERLOCK: (innocently) Do what?

_ [John sighs, exasperated but still fond. Sherlock moves to sit cross-legged on one of the beds, spreading the contents of a manila folder around him.] _

JOHN: I thought you already knew where we had to go today.

SHERLOCK: I do. But  _ [bleeped-out name] _ took back the access card after the hound case.

JOHN: Oh, for God’s sake. Just text him. He gave us this case.

SHERLOCK: Mmm, how about no.

_ [John gives the camera a look that says ‘See what I have to deal with?’] _

JOHN: I’ll get some food, shall I?

\--------------------

_ [Camera cuts to a view of John, who’s now outside. Sherlock is partially cut off from the view, and he somehow manages to look intensely focused yet extremely distracted at the same time.] _

JOHN: People have often referred to me trailing behind Sherlock like a lost puppy. Well, they’re not exactly wrong. I have absolutely no idea where we’re going.

SHERLOCK: You’re doing this outside now?

JOHN: Yeah. Nice change of scenery.

_ [Sherlock makes a face, but he doesn’t say anything.] _

JOHN: Anyway, it’s about three in the afternoon, and Sherlock refuses to eat. ‘Digesting slows him down’ or something. ‘The brain is all that matters,’ he says. ‘Everything else is transport.’ If he had any logic, he’d realize that the transport gets grumpy when it goes without food. And then that impacts the brain.

SHERLOCK: Stop talking. I can hear you. It’s distracting.

JOHN: I know you can. That’s the point.

SHERLOCK: You know, one tends to lose their appetite when a severed head is sitting several meters away from the body that it was once attached to. Or, at least, they should. John says that I’m an outlier and therefore should not be counted.

JOHN: Okay, screw this.

_ [He stands up and pulls Sherlock to his feet. Sherlock, to his part, looks slightly disgruntled.] _

JOHN: We are going to that bakery over there and we are going to put some food in the world’s only consulting detective, because if he doesn’t eat anything, there won’t be a consulting detective left. Doctor’s orders. Come on.

_ [Sherlock makes a pouty face at the camera that’s not unlike that of a toddler who just got their favorite toy taken away. However, he does loyally follow John as they cross the street. The camera cuts off as they enter the bakery.] _

\--------------------

_ [We’re back in the hotel room. John is in frame, while Sherlock is presumably in the bathroom, judging by the sound of running water. John looks tired, exasperated, and a bit worse for wear, but relatively in one piece.] _

JOHN: Sherlock is a stubborn arsehole who refuses to call the cops when he really should.

SHERLOCK: (off-screen) The police are incompetent and just mess up the crime scene. Much easier to get my information first.

JOHN: If the cops are incompetent, then call  _ [bleeped-out name] _ ! You tolerate him, don’t you? And he’s faster.

SHERLOCK: (off-screen) I  _ tolerate _ him, and only because he doesn’t know how to stop sticking his nose in someone else’s business.

JOHN: Reminds me of a certain someone.

SHERLOCK: (off-screen) Oh, shut up.

JOHN: No, don’t give me that. Guess who’s covered in blood and contaminated the scene because he doesn’t know when to stop?

_ [John seems aware of the camera all of a sudden.] _

JOHN: Oh, it’s not his blood. I suppose that’s not much more comforting, but yeah.

_ [Sherlock steps out of the bathroom and into frame.] _

SHERLOCK: I slipped, alright? Not a big deal.

JOHN: I don’t know, Anderson would disagree.

_ [Sherlock makes a face.] _

SHERLOCK: We do not mention that name in this unholy household.

JOHN: Did you just–

SHERLOCK: Yes.

JOHN: It was definitely a mistake letting you on social media.

_[The last thing that we see is Sherlock smiling mischievously before the camera fades to black.]_

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ Sarah Kilns _ \- don’t be shy drop his @  
[507 LIKES]

_ Goodbye Kitty _ \- The more I learn about Sherlock the more I wonder how he’s survived for over three decades  
[389 LIKES]

_ didjaputyernameindagobletoffiya _ \- okay but they're bickering like an old married couple  
[771 LIKES]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> To (possibly) confirm your suspicions: the bleeped-out name that they refer to is Mycroft! So far, I don't plan on referring to him by name at all, so this is something that should carry throughout the entire fanfic.
> 
> Also, a second slightly random thing that I'd like to point out: I was originally going to have Sherlock spoil a bit from Lord of the Rings, but I've never read the books or watched the movies (I plan on, so I didn't want to spoil it for myself). So I was gonna mention Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman's character) but I still know nothing, so I just settled for cutting him off.  
> (Also it says bi, so that worked out nicely.)
> 
> I've decided that I'll try to update this once a week, so stay tuned!
> 
> Suggestions? Improvements? Vlog ideas? Anything? Don't be shy, drop them in the comments!


	4. Relationship Questions

_ TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: Yes, this is the long-awaited livestream in which the two finally get together. I watched it in real-time, and oooooh boy the comments were… overwhelming, to say the least. And definitely NSFW. I'm surprised they held it together for so long, to be honest. _

* * *

_ [The stream begins, showing John and Sherlock sitting next to each other on the sofa.] _

JOHN: I have been informed by a friend that a website called Tumblr ‘ships’ the two of us. This also explains all the comments recently; something about ‘Johnlock’.

_ [Sherlock gives John a confused frown.] _

JOHN: (to Sherlock) It’s where they want two people to enter a relationship together. Johnlock is our ship name, apparently. (to the camera) Anyway, I can now confirm this. Yes, we are in a relationship. Yes, we will be taking questions. That’s what this whole livestream is for, actually.

SHERLOCK: (to John) I did not agree to questions.

JOHN: What did you expect we’d do?

_ [Sherlock gives John a look.] _

JOHN: Oh, don’t look at me like that. You’ll survive. How does it feel being on the other side of an onslaught of questions for once? (to the camera) Flood the comments with your questions!

_ [A brief pause as the questions start rolling in.] _

JOHN: So! First question. Or, at least, the first one that caught my eye. 'How has your life changed since meeting the other?'

_ [Sherlock leans forward slightly, clearly interested now.] _

JOHN: Well, I'm never bored. (he chuckles) You know, I wouldn't even be here right now if it weren't for Sherlock. Can't afford London on an army pension. But, yeah. We've been together through a lot since we moved in. It's like someone dropped a bombshell on my life, turned everything over, and said, "Have fun."

SHERLOCK: John's a stable ground in my life. No matter what happens, I can always count on him. He's got my back.

JOHN: Unless you blow up the kitchen again. Then you're all on your own against Mrs. Hudson.

SHERLOCK: It was  _ one time _ . A small miscalculation.

JOHN: Okay, moving on. Next: 'Is Sherlock a romantic?'

_ [They answer this at the same time.] _

JOHN: Yes.

SHERLOCK: No.

_ [The two look at each other.] _

JOHN: What do you mean, no? (to the camera) He goes for candlelit dinners and all that. And he loves cuddling on the couch, did you know that? Oh, and that time when he-

SHERLOCK: That's enough of that. Next question.

_ [John smiles and pecks him on the cheek, resulting in a slightly pink Sherlock and a flurry of comments.] _

JOHN: You pick one.

_ [Sherlock leans forward a bit, reading the comments.] _

SHERLOCK: ‘What were your first impressions of each other?’

_ [Sherlock looks practically giddy, while John just smiles fondly.] _

SHERLOCK: Army doctor that served in Afghanistan or Iraq, has a therapist, and a recently divorced brother – well, sister, but how was I supposed to know that – with a drinking problem that he won’t go to for help. And in need of a flatshare, of course.

JOHN: He never misses a chance to show off.

_ [Sherlock makes a face.] _

JOHN: I thought he was arrogant, rude, and definitely public school. A bloody genius, and quite possibly a bit mad, but as Sherlock puts it, I’ve always been attracted to danger. We went to a crime scene about a day after meeting – the serial suicides. Not the best spot for a first date, I’ll admit–

SHERLOCK: You were quite adamant that it wasn’t a date when we went to Angelo’s. What changed between then and now?

JOHN: (sarcastically) Gee, I wonder.

_ [A brief pause as John sifts through the comments.] _

JOHN: Next question: ‘Coffee or tea?’

_ [John chuckles a bit.] _

JOHN: I think I might get my British citizenship revoked if I say anything other than tea.

SHERLOCK: I can arrange that.

JOHN: You wouldn’t dare. Also, you didn’t answer the question.

SHERLOCK: Technically, you didn’t either.

JOHN: Alright, that’s fair. Usually tea. But coffee for long cases.

SHERLOCK: Just tea.

JOHN: I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just say that because I know you drink coffee sometimes, you liar.

_ [Sherlock chuckles, looking away.] _

SHERLOCK: Guilty as charged.

JOHN: Anyway, moving on. ‘What do you do when you’re not chasing after criminals?’ I’ve got a job at a clinic. Just some locum work, since I’m at the beck and call of this one.

_ [He jerks a thumb at Sherlock, who looks just a bit affronted.] _

SHERLOCK: I build Legos.

JOHN: Or rather, I confiscate the instruction manual, mix up all the bags, and you do some black magic. (to the camera) He’s halfway through the Millenium Falcon. I don’t know whether to be impressed or terrified. Upstairs, where my room used to be, has turned into a bit of a Lego shrine.

_ [John grins as he spots a comment.] _

JOHN: Okay, I like this one, partially because I don’t actually know it. ‘What is Sherlock’s IQ?’

SHERLOCK: (completely serious) That’s classified.

JOHN: I can’t actually tell if you’re joking or not.

SHERLOCK: Who knows. Maybe my brother will tell you someday.

_ [John leans forward to look for another question, then immediately leans back.] _

JOHN: Congratulations, Sherlock. You’ve got them all asking for his number.

_ [Sherlock’s phone buzzes with a text. He glances down and reads it quickly.] _

SHERLOCK: My brother has just informed me that we’re not allowed to reveal anything else about him, including his name, or he’ll have us both killed.

JOHN: (unfazed) That’s nice. Wait, is he watching this right now?

SHERLOCK: Most likely. Or rather, he has someone monitoring us and we’ll immediately get two in our heads if we reveal any state secrets.

_ [John just shrugs.] _

JOHN: Moving on. This’ll be the last one, I think. ‘Taste in music?’

SHERLOCK: Classical. This technically isn’t accurate, considering the genre also encompasses other eras such as the Baroque and Romantic, not just the Classical.

JOHN: Uh, I’m not actually quite sure anymore. Usually just whatever Sherlock is playing at the moment. You know, I really should get a recording of you one of these times.

SHERLOCK: No.

JOHN: (teasing) Why not? Stage fright?

SHERLOCK: (completely serious) I play for you and you alone.

_ [John smiles and kisses him again. In the comments, several fangirls die from their adorableness.] _

JOHN: And you say you’re not romantic. That’s a valid excuse.

_ [And with that, the livestream ends.] _

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ John Watson _ \- So, uh, yeah. That was our dumpster fire of a coming out and Q&A. Unfortunately we couldn’t get to everyone, but we might do another one in the future if we’re bored one afternoon. Stay tuned!  
[2,308 LIKES]

_ pringlesandmingles _ \- OH MY GOD MY SHIP SAILED AND IT’S EVEN BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE :DDD  
[792 LIKES]

_ onyourleft _ \- okay but can we have sherlock’s brother’s number  
[485 LIKES]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, this flows somewhat well. I originally wanted to stick another chapter in between, but I couldn't come up with any ideas, so I decided "screw it" and here we are.
> 
> Comments are always open for suggestions, reactions, anything!


	5. Pretend There’s a Creative Title

_ [We’ve finally returned to the now-familiar backdrop of the living room of 221B Baker Street. In the background, Sherlock is bustling around the kitchen, holding something that’s most likely toxic.] _

JOHN: It’s been a while since I’ve filmed back at the flat, huh? Well, here we are. First, just to get some things out of the way– thank you guys so much for the positivity on the livestream.

_ [Sherlock turns towards the camera and makes a face. John, who’s used to Sherlock’s antics by now, notices this without even turning around to look at Sherlock.] _

JOHN: Oh, come on, Sherlock. It wasn’t that bad. Anyway, I’ve been reliably informed that Tumblr was filled with an incredible amount of fanart in the few days following. Well, I didn’t expect this to go viral, but oh well. Here we are.

_ [He lowers his voice and leans forward a bit.] _

JOHN: And although Sherlock won’t admit it, he kinda likes the publicity too. If only for the influx of cases, at least. We’ll be stuck in London for quite a while now.

_ [John smiles fondly and leans back in his seat.] _

JOHN: Anyway, he’s…

_ [He turns around, looking into the kitchen.] _

JOHN: (to Sherlock) Sherlock, what are you doing, anyway?

SHERLOCK: (in the background) Dissecting the spleen of a pig.

JOHN: (to Sherlock) Yeah, well, you’re cleaning that up. Oh, and put on some tea, would you? WITH CLEAN HANDS. Okay? Because it’s just a  _ tad _ bit disturbing to watch an eyeball bob to the surface of your tea. (back to the camera) Yes, that actually happened once. No, I don’t want to talk about it.

_ [A bit of an awkward pause.] _

JOHN: It tasted normal, actually.

\--------------------

_ [The backdrop changes– we’re now in John’s room, which looks noticeably more empty than the last time that we saw it. Judging by the drawn curtains, it’s nighttime.] _

JOHN: Sherlock’s taking a nap, since we’ve got somewhere to be tonight. Unfortunately, it’s nothing as romantic as a date. Just some statements and whatnot for Scotland Yard. I had to convince a couple officers to let him sleep a bit first. Or rather, I think he did a decent job of convincing them himself.

_ [John wrinkles his nose in distaste.] _

JOHN: I’m really picking up habits from Sherlock, huh? Well, at least he hasn’t ruined my sleep schedule yet. Seriously, that man never sleeps unless I remind him to. It’s a wonder that he’s still functional. But it’s fine. Pretty sure that even our neighbors are used to it by now. Either that, or they’ve all moved out.

_ [He chuckles a bit. We hear a text alert, and John reaches off-screen for his phone.] _

JOHN: You know what, this vlog doesn’t have enough Sherlock in it. We have to go now, anyway. Fresh crime scene that Sherlock’d like.

_ [The camera shakes as John picks it up.] _

JOHN: Let’s go wake up our resident consulting detective, shall we? He’s a bit grumpy when he wakes up, but whatever. Here’s your weekly dose of pure, unedited Sherlock.

_ [The stairs creak as he goes downstairs, quietly entering the living room, which is dark except for a floor lamp in the corner. Sherlock is asleep on the couch, a fluffy grey blanket covering him. John creeps forward, shaking Sherlock gently.] _

JOHN: Sherlock, love, time to get up.

_ [Sherlock grumbles something unintelligible and turns away from John, pulling the blanket closer to him.] _

JOHN: What if I told you that Lestrade’s found you a case?

SHERLOCK: (still turned away from John) Forensics?

JOHN: Anderson, apparently. Still wanna sleep?

_ [Sherlock groans and gets up, wrapping the blanket tightly around himself. He blinks a few times, regaining his bearings.] _

SHERLOCK: Are you filming me? Anderson watches this.

JOHN: Oh, relax. At least half of Scotland Yard does. It’s a mutual hatred between you and them. And I thought you didn’t care about this kinda stuff.

_ [Sherlock makes a face. He carelessly steps over the coffee table, part of the blanket trailing behind him.  _ ~~_ It’s surprisingly reminiscent of a five-year-old. _ _ ] _ ~~

SHERLOCK: Details?

_ [John tosses his phone to Sherlock, who catches it in one swift motion. He begins looking through it.] _

JOHN: (to the camera) To this day, I don’t think I’ve ever told him my password for anything.

SHERLOCK: (not looking up from John’s phone) That’s because your passwords are dreadfully boring and common. Try harder next time.

JOHN: Well, not everyone’s a genius, are we?

\--------------------

_ [Back in the usual spot in the cosy chaos of the living room. The lighting appears to be in the late afternoon. John smiles tiredly at the camera.] _

JOHN: So, we actually just got back. Sherlock’s taking a quick shower. He just  _ had _ to solve the case last night because sleep is for the weak, apparently. Well, at least it wasn’t all for nothing. We wrapped that one up fairly quickly. Not really in–

_ [He yawns, cutting off the rest of his sentence.] _

JOHN: Interesting enough for its own post on the blog. Well, I just wanted to give a quick update. Going to bed now.

_ [John gets up and enters Sherlock’s room (their room???? Who even knows at this point, they’re not the usual couple), closing the door behind him. Apparently, he’s forgotten that he left the camera running.] _

_ [A few moments pass in silence, but eventually, Sherlock steps out of the bathroom, entering the living room. He immediately notices the camera. After a second, he sits down in John’s now-vacated seat.] _

SHERLOCK: Hello, world. John, in an uncommon lapse of judgement, has left the camera on. So this is my chance to unleash whatever negative commentary I’d like without reprimand. Now, as many of you undoubtedly know by now, I’m not exactly known for being kind. I have a lot to say, and no filter whatsoever.

_ [Sherlock pauses.] _

SHERLOCK: But although there are many things that I’d like to say right now, I think it’s better that I leave the majority of the vlogging to John. So I guess I’ll leave this with a single parting message.

_ [He reaches for a mug, taking a quick drink before continuing.] _

SHERLOCK: I… don’t actually know what to say. This vlogging thing isn’t as easy as it seems. Maybe this was a bad idea.

_ [Sherlock reaches up to the camera, and it cuts off abruptly.] _

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ Ava Spear _ \- Aww Sherlock at the end 🥺   
[368 LIKES]

_ Pinterest Sucks _ \- Sherlock rubbing off on John is the sweetest thing ever   
[597 LIKES]

_ Michele J Wesson  _ \- Why is no one talking about the eyeball in the tea   
[423 LIKES]


	6. Date Night Gone... Not Exactly Wrong But Not Completely Right

_ [The camera opens up to John, looking quite nice in a suit. He’s standing in the middle of the living room, the camera presumably propped up on the desk. Judging by the lighting, it's most likely nighttime.] _

JOHN: Fun fact about dating Sherlock: Time no longer exists. Because we were supposed to be going on a date tonight, and guess who’s running late? Definitely not me!

_ [John looks furious for a second, but the fight drains out of him quite quickly. He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.] _

JOHN: Yeah, I know. Important job and all. It’s just… I don’t know. I was looking forward to this. He’s at Bart’s right now, and I’m pretty sure it’s not for a case. And it’s quite possible that he’s forgotten about it completely, you know. Sometimes doesn’t notice if I leave for a few hours. He’s off in his own world and he just blocks out everything else around him. It’s kinda impressive, actually.

_ [He pauses for a second and frowns.] _

JOHN: Why am I making this, anyway? I should be talking to Sherlock instead. You know what, forget it. He’ll see it when this goes up.

_ [John smiles sweetly and looks directly into the camera. It’s just a bit terrifying. Your friendly transcriber silently prays for Sherlock's well-being.] _

JOHN: Hi, Sherlock. If you’re late to date night again, I will throttle you and make your murder an open-and-shut case. Love, John.

\--------------------

_ [We’re now up in John’s old room. The wall in the background now has a few photos, which, thankfully, don’t look like crime scene photos. John himself looks a lot happier than he was earlier.] _

JOHN: Okay, I figured I’d give an update on what happened last night, since people seem to care a lot about our relationship. So. Sherlock, like I guessed, was indeed at Bart’s. And yep, he lost track of time. But it’s okay, because he’s Sherlock and I love him, which according to him, is a lapse of judgement on my part.

_ [He smiles fondly as if remembering a previous conversation.] _

JOHN: Well, and because he made it up with s–

_ [John abruptly cuts himself off, looking just a bit horrified. Your transcriber laughs for a moment and then realizes that fanfiction authors are going to run crazy with this, and just like John, abruptly stops.] _

_ [John clears his throat, looking slightly red.] _

JOHN: Squishy cuddles. Yes, that’s what I was going to say. God, can we all pretend that didn’t happen? Yeah, I said nothing. Nothing.

_ [Thankfully for both John and us viewers, we hear Sherlock’s voice off-screen.] _

SHERLOCK: There’s a head in the fridge! You said you wanted to know, so...

JOHN: Yes, and I also said that we’re done with heads!

SHERLOCK: What if I–

_ [The rest of Sherlock’s words are cut off with a loud bleep. I’ll leave you to your deductions.] _

JOHN: WILLIAM SHERLOCK SCOTT HOLMES, I AM RECORDING A VLOG RIGHT NOW.

SHERLOCK: You can edit it, can’t you?

_ [John turns back to the camera with an exasperated look.] _

JOHN: I regret every decision that I have ever made in my life.

\--------------------

_ [The camera shakes a bit before focusing on Sherlock in an unfamiliar room.] _

SHERLOCK: Hello, world. I’ve stolen – ahem,  _ borrowed _ – John’s camera because he’s asleep and I can do that. Anyway, you’re all probably wondering what happened to John for me to be recording part of this vlog. The answer? Absolutely nothing.

_ [He grins mischievously and holds up a black marker.] _

SHERLOCK: Yet. Contrary to popular belief, John is actually a heavy sleeper. I’ve done quite a few questionable things under the guise of an experiment. This shall be the next.

_ [We go through the kitchen and into the living room (apparently, that was his room before!), where John is snoozing on the couch.] _

SHERLOCK: He just looks so peaceful, doesn’t he?

_ [He sets the camera down on the coffee table and flicks the cap off of the marker.] _

SHERLOCK: And vulnerable.

_ [Unfortunately, our view is obstructed as Sherlock draws something on John’s face. After a moment, he steps back to admire his handiwork, then picks up the camera.] _

SHERLOCK: You saw nothing. Now, how do I–

_ [The video cuts off abruptly.] _

* * *

**COMMENTS**

_ Theo Rouse _ – This video is really all over the place, isn’t it? (it’s ok i still love him plz don’t kill me–)  
[273 LIKES]

_Hana Hillarie_ – why is he such a good violin player 😩😭 like imagine having talent, i could never  
[568 LIKES]

_ Marya Sanchez _ – six feet. SIX FEET. IM LITERALLY 5’3” DON’T DO THIS TO ME  
[443 LIKES]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I highly recommend Mendelssohn's Violin Concerto in E Minor! I actually did listen to the first movement about a dozen times while writing this (Hilary Hahn is a GOD), so now you have to as well. :)


	7. D.I. Lestrade Takes Over

_ [The camera opens up to a man with grey hair holding the camera somewhere outside. The background sounds fairly busy, but we can’t see much.] _

LESTRADE: Hi. Detective Inspector Lestrade here. You might recognise me from the occasional press conference. John asked me to film them for a day, so here we are. Bear with me here, I haven’t done this before and my phone camera isn’t the best.

_ [We hear the crackle of a walkie-talkie, but the words are too low to be picked out. Lestrade looks off into the distance for a second and frowns before turning back to the camera.] _

LESTRADE: Well, here they come. Prepare for things to get a lot more hectic.

_ [Lestrade begins walking while narrating along the way.] _

LESTRADE: I’m not allowed to say much, but this one isn’t a murder, so as long as John holds up his promise to blur everything, it should be fine. The family gave us the go-ahead. We might turn a blind eye at the occasional minor crime from Sherlock and John, but the rest of us do actually have to constantly follow the law. Anyway, Sherlock’s not the most popular around the force. You try insulting people in every sentence, see how far you get. Having John around has definitely helped, though.

_ [He pauses for a second and chuckles.] _

LESTRADE: And the bet. There was a bet on how long it’d take for the two of them to get together. Think nearly my whole division was in on it at some point. I got something like a hundred quid from that.

_ [In the background, Sherlock and John’s voices can be heard, slowly growing louder.] _

SHERLOCK: –where else was I supposed to put the lungs?

JOHN: Not in the fridge!

_ [The camera turns around to show Sherlock holding up the police tape for John to duck under.] _

SHERLOCK: Oh, hello, Lestrade. I hope this is interesting. I see John’s roped you into the vlog thing too.

JOHN: He gave me the idea in the first place. Hi, Greg.

LESTRADE: First door to the left, second floor. I won’t be going in, it’s not actually my case. Try not to terrorize Anderson too much, will you?

_ [Sherlock smiles sweetly, looking all the bit like the innocent child he is.] _

SHERLOCK: Of course I won’t. When do I ever?

_ [He starts walking off towards a house in the distance.] _

JOHN: Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on him.

_ [Lestrade nods. Not a second later, a loud argument begins in the distance. John runs over, and Lestrade sighs, running a hand down his face.] _

LESTRADE: Just another day with CSI Baker Street. Sometimes, I hate this job.

\--------------------

_ [Some time later, Lestrade is in an unfamiliar office.] _

LESTRADE: I don’t know if I’m actually allowed to film in here, so I’ll make this quick.

_ [He turns the camera around, showing a distinct figure in a certain coat arguing with one of the officers.] _

LESTRADE: As you can probably tell, that’s Sherlock being all… Sherlock-y. Which means that he’s got a theory and he just needs a bit more evidence to confirm it, but everyone’s choosing to be difficult because he’s just a bit of an arsehole.

_ [Lestrade pauses briefly.] _

LESTRADE: Sorry, am I allowed to swear?

\--------------------

_ [It’s now late afternoon, and we’re back in the familiar backdrop of Baker Street. John sits in his usual spot in front of the desk, and behind him, Sherlock is on the floor, intensely going over what seems to be a case file.] _

JOHN: Sorry, guys, but it’s just John again. We didn’t want Lestrade to get into trouble for filming where he technically isn’t supposed to. Anyway, Sherlock, I know you’ve almost got it.

_ [Sherlock’s head whips up, looking frustrated.] _

SHERLOCK: ‘Almost’? I know I have it, I just need one small detail. But that idiot DI won’t let me interrogate the mother. It’s her, it has to be.

JOHN: Last time you questioned someone, they ended up in tears and hyperventilating. I love you the way you are, but you really do have to watch it sometimes.

_ [Sherlock waves a hand carelessly as if it’s just a trivial detail. He looks back down, putting his hands into a prayer position.] _

SHERLOCK: Whatever. I–

_ [Sherlock cuts off mid-sentence, frowning. John glances over.] _

JOHN: Sherlock? What is it?

SHERLOCK: John, you are  _ brilliant. _ Lestrade owes me a triple homicide and two pounds fifty. Sorry, gotta dash.

_ [Sherlock gives John a quick kiss before running out the door, pulling on his coat as he goes.] _

JOHN: Wait! Come back.

_ [A bit confused, Sherlock comes back up. John pulls him into a proper kiss.] _

JOHN: If you’re gonna give me a goodbye kiss, do it properly. Okay, go.

_ [Sherlock’s face flushes bright red before he races back down the stairs and out the door.] _

JOHN: And get the milk!

_ [The front door slams, and John smiles fondly.] _

JOHN: He’s not gonna get the milk. He never gets the milk.

\--------------------

_ [John is now in the kitchen. Sherlock is nowhere to be seen.] _

JOHN: He got the milk.

_ [He turns the camera around to show a carton of milk, untouched by the various chemicals and petri dishes spanning the rest of the table. He opens the fridge and makes a face.] _

JOHN: Wonderful. I think those are tendons. No wonder he got the milk.

_ [Grimacing, he places the milk in the fridge, and closes it, careful to keep the camera facing away.] _

JOHN: It’ll probably be gone in a day or two. God knows what he does with it.

_ [John walks into the living room, placing the camera down on the coffee table before sitting down on the sofa.] _

JOHN: You know, I’ve always wondered what people found so interesting about this. It’s just two men, running around and solving crimes in London. But we can’t even show the crimes because they’re usually an ongoing police investigation. Don’t you all have better things to do with your time?

_ [He pauses and wrinkles his nose.] _

JOHN: God, I sound like Sherlock when I say that. They say that couples tend to resemble each other after being together for a long time. Maybe they’re right.

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ Haley Scale _ \- we actually don’t have anything better to do with our time   
[748 LIKES]

_ Daniel Rechta _ \- I feel like there’s some inside joke about milk that we’re not getting   
[443 LIKES]

_ SherlockFan221 _ \- Omg the two of them being a couple is just so cute I can’t   
[589 LIKES]


	8. Youtube Play Button?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about last week! This update's a day early to... somewhat make up.
> 
> I say somewhat because it's quite short, but oh well. :/

_ [John sits at a desk, positively giddy with excitement. Sherlock is sitting next to him. Behind them, the flat is decorated for Christmas, with lights and what appears to be mistletoe.] _

JOHN: So, something came in the mail earlier today, and I thought I’d share it with you all.

SHERLOCK: John insisted that I be here for this one.

_ [John pulls out a large black box, holding the bold white YouTube logo at camera height.] _

JOHN: Okay. By now, I’m guessing that everyone knows exactly what’s in this box except for Sherlock. So, Sherlock, you can do the honours.

_ [Sherlock gives John a look.] _

JOHN: No, it’s not toxic.

_ [John picks up the camera, giving us a good view as Sherlock carefully opens the box.] _

SHERLOCK: I’d like you all to know that John reacted like a small child when he received this. And while John is correct when he states that I am oblivious when it comes to some trivial things, this is one that I actually do know.

_ [Finally free of its wrappings! The Silver Play Button sits on their desk in all its glory. We get a quick close-up before the camera is returned to its original spot.] _

SHERLOCK: The Silver Play Button, awarded to YouTubers with a hundred thousand subscribers. I believe you hit that milestone a few weeks ago. Congratulations, John. You deserve it.

_ [The two share a kiss.] _

JOHN: You know, this is your award too. I wouldn’t be here at all without you.

SHERLOCK: Somehow, I doubt that.

_ [John looks down at the Play button, then back at the camera. He chuckles.] _

JOHN: God, is this how Oscar winners feel during their acceptance speeches?

SHERLOCK: Wait until you get the gold one.

_ [John smiles and shakes his head.] _

JOHN: Yeah, let’s not think about that right now. It’s a long way down the road.

SHERLOCK: Not as far as you think.

_ [The two fall into a comfortable silence for a brief moment, with John looking down at the award. Sherlock beams at him.] _

JOHN: (to Sherlock) You know, this video is going completely differently from what I originally had in mind.

SHERLOCK: You live with me.

JOHN: Yeah, I know. But I definitely wasn’t expecting you to actually know what this is.

SHERLOCK: Really, John? I do use YouTube occasionally. And who do you think applied for it?

JOHN: You have to apply for it?

SHERLOCK: Yes, there’s a whole website. Didn’t even have to try to guess your password, you’re terrible at them. And if this means a lot to you, then it matters to me too.

JOHN: Thank you.

_ [John smiles and kisses him lightly.] _

JOHN: Does that mean you won’t experiment on it?

SHERLOCK: No promises.

_ [They both laugh, and the video ends.] _

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ Kenzie R. _ \- OMG CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!   
[917 LIKES]

_ GeorgeForge _ \- watch him hit gold in a year   
[641 LIKES]

_ Eli Mack _ \- I feel like we’re never gonna see it fully intact ever again _   
_ [758 LIKES]


	9. Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's all just ignore the fact that my Christmas update is two days late, shall we? I've been busy the last two days and didn't get a chance to type it up.

_ [John is seated at the desk, wearing a jumper that is, unfortunately, not Christmas themed. However, the flat is decorated for Christmas, with the edges of a tree peeking into frame.] _

JOHN: So. First things first. Merry Christmas, everyone.

SHERLOCK: (off-screen) It’s not Christmas yet. You’d think we already have enough holiday cheer _. _

JOHN: Yeah, but by the time this video goes up, it’ll be Christmas. And don’t pretend you don’t enjoy the eggnog.

_ [In the kitchen, Sherlock takes a few steps back so the camera can see him fully.] _

SHERLOCK: I don’t enjoy my brother. And his newfound interest in-

JOHN: Okay, I do not need to know about his dating life, thanks. Please.

SHERLOCK: Why not? You’re already calling Lestrade over. Might as well go a step further.

_ [The smirk in Sherlock’s voice is painfully obvious. Your transcriber bites back a smile  _ _ and attempts to quash her thoughts about Sherlock’s brother because HE’S TAKEN, GODDAMN IT- _ _. John simply sighs, resigned.] _

JOHN: Lestrade, huh. God, we need to go out for drinks someday.

SHERLOCK: Can’t believe you couldn’t tell.

JOHN: You know this means I’m definitely calling your brother over, right?

_ [Sherlock groans and goes back to his experiment.] _

\--------------------

_ [In one of the armchairs in the living room, Sherlock is toying with a small piece of cardstock, an elegant M written on one side. John is nowhere to be seen.] _

SHERLOCK: He won’t show up. If you think I’m antisocial, he’s ten times worse. ‘Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.’ Look who’s caring now?

_ [Sherlock stares blankly at the armchair opposite him, his hands in a prayer position.] _

SHERLOCK: You know what, I’ll just kill him. That works, right?

\--------------------

_ [John is up in his old bedroom. Afternoon light spills into the room.] _

JOHN: Apparently, Sherlock can bake. In fact, he’s baking cookies right now. He never cooks anything, let alone bake. Yes, I’m aware of the fact that he might be doing this just to poison people and start becoming a career criminal, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, shall we?

_ [He pauses to take a sip of tea.] _

JOHN: But realistically speaking here. They’ve got a bit of a sibling rivalry. Well, not just a bit. This has got to be the most extreme sibling rivalry that I’ve ever seen. But in the end, they still love each other. I think that’s how it is with all siblings. You hate their guts but you’d do anything for them.

_ [John pauses and looks down for a second before looking back at the camera.] _

JOHN: It’s getting late. I should probably go make sure they’re not death cookies.

\--------------------

_ [It’s early in the day when John sits down in front of the desk, his hair delightfully tousled.] _

JOHN: It is Christmas Eve, it is just after nine in the morning, and I am going to get Sherlock’s brother here if it’s the last thing I do because Sherlock is difficult.

_ [He briefly looks behind him.] _

JOHN: And, well, if I’m being completely honest, it’s quite entertaining watching the two of them go at each other. It’s mostly just empty threats. “I’ll break into your house in the dead of night and asphyxiate you” comes up nearly every time, and every now and then there’s the “I’ll start a war just to mildly inconvenience you.” You know, just because.

_ [John sighs, running a hand down his face.] _

JOHN: I feel like I’m forgetting something. Oh, right. Sherlock’s murder cookies are just, well, cookies. Good cookies, actually. It could just be a slow-acting poison that’ll give him time to create an alibi, but I don’t know. Not really his style. If he were to really murder someone, of course. The Holmes brothers are… something a bit to the right of ‘dramatic.’ Anyway, I have to go drag Sherlock out of bed. I’ll give a brief update later on how it all goes.

\--------------------

_ [John sits down in front of the camera looking somewhat cheerful. The rest of the room is pretty dim, with holiday lighting casting a red-and-green glow.] _

JOHN: Well, that was… eventful. I’m not gonna say it went well, because that’d be a blatant lie, but it wasn’t particularly bad either.

_ [He shakes his head fondly in a way that could only mean ‘Sherlock.’] _

JOHN: In the end, though, I think everyone had some degree of fun, so good enough, right?

_ [Off in the distance, someone shouts, “Wrong.” A few moments later, Sherlock pops into frame.] _

SHERLOCK: Wrong. I am going to murder my brother in cold blood and not even make it clever.

JOHN: Oh, come on. As far as I can tell, he didn’t do anything.

SHERLOCK: Yes, because you fail to observe things that are right in front of your face. He was RIGHT THERE. Don’t tell me you actually got nothing off of him.

_ [John tries (and fails) to hide his smirk.] _

JOHN: Well, go on, then. Tell me. What did he do?

SHERLOCK: His hair. Lestrade’s face. Put the two pieces together. They had clearly–

JOHN: I’m gonna cut you off right there. That’s enough of you.

_ [John playfully shoves Sherlock out of frame.] _

JOHN: Okay, I’m gonna end this here. Merry Christmas if you celebrate, happy holidays, and we’ll pretend Sherlock said nothing.

SHERLOCK: Hey–

_ [The video cuts off.] _

* * *

** COMMENTS: **

_ sad brain cell _ \- Happy holidays, everyone!   
[1,027 LIKES]

_ JOHNLOCK STAN ACCOUNT _ \- I don’t know if that cut is intentional or not but I’d eat the murder cookies anyway like LET ME DIE  
[538 LIKES]

_ Lauren V. _ \- It’s so comforting to know that in the end, they’re just human. I mean yes, Sherlock is a bloody genius, but he also argues with siblings and everything   
[726 LIKES]


	10. Q & A

_ [John and Sherlock are sitting in their respective armchairs in the living room of 221B.] _

JOHN: Hi, everyone! You guys seemed to like our last Q&A, so we’re doing another one today. Depending on how it goes, we might make this a weekly thing.

SHERLOCK: Oh, god no. Not weekly.

JOHN: Okay, monthly.

_ [Sherlock gives it some thought before nodding with a dramatic, long-suffering sigh.] _

JOHN: Alright. So these questions were selected at random from that Twitter post–

SHERLOCK: Since when did we have Twitter?

JOHN: Since you became a consulting detective with an international reputation. Anyway, as I was saying, they’re from the Twitter post I put up a while back. So, here goes nothing.

_ [John holds up a deerstalker, eliciting a groan from Sherlock.] _

JOHN: I put slips of paper with questions in here. Sherlock, you can pick the first one.

SHERLOCK: Why me?

JOHN: Because everything’s about you. Come on, I know you want to.

SHERLOCK: I don’t, actually.

_ [Despite his words, Sherlock fishes around in the deerstalker and pulls out a small slip of paper.] _

SHERLOCK: ‘How does Sherlock just know things about people?’

JOHN: Oh boy.

SHERLOCK: I don’t just ‘know things’; I deduce them. Deduction is a very delicate art–

JOHN: Sherlock, you know I love you, but I’m gonna have to cut you off right there or this video’s gonna be hours long. Next question!

_ [John pointedly ignores Sherlock’s look of indignation and pulls a slip of paper out of the deerstalker.] _

JOHN: ‘How much did your day-to-day life change after entering a relationship?’

_ [John sits quietly for a moment, trying to figure out how to answer the question.] _

JOHN: To be completely honest, it didn’t change much. The kissing is nice. And cuddles. And slight manipulation over Sherlock. And I think Scotland Yard is more reluctant to patronise him, but to be fair, he deserves it.

SHERLOCK: What was that middle one?

JOHN: (innocently) Cuddles.

_ [Sherlock looks at him for a few seconds before pulling out another slip of paper.] _

SHERLOCK: 'Who spends longer in the bathroom?'

JOHN: Definitely you.

SHERLOCK: What do you mean me?

JOHN: Don't lie to me. You and I both know those curls take work.

_ [They smile at each other in that loving way that only couples can manage. Eventually, John reads another question.] _

JOHN: 'How did those around you feel about your relationship?' It was all positive, I think. I know Lestrade was very happy about that. We got Sherlock's mother to back off.

SHERLOCK: She kept pushing me to 'find a nice person and settle down.' Both of her…  _ wonderful _ sons have boyfriends now. The gay is genetic.

JOHN: Oh, and Mrs Hudson too. She really saw it from the beginning, huh?

_ [John picks the next question, breaking the pattern.] _

JOHN: 'Favourite case?' I liked the aluminium crutch one. Or maybe the cruise.

SHERLOCK: They're all fun until they're solved.

JOHN: Okay, but if you  _ had _ to pick one.

SHERLOCK: The very first one with you.  _ A Study in Pink. _

JOHN: (amused) Why?

SHERLOCK: Oh, you know perfectly well why.

JOHN: I'd still like you to say it. Not everyone knows you as well as I do.

_ [Sherlock leans forward and kisses John, and John laughs.] _

SHERLOCK: Good enough?

JOHN: Good enough. Alright, next question.

_ [Sherlock pulls out a slip of paper.] _

SHERLOCK: 'Do you have a favourite book?'

_ [Sherlock gestures to the large bookshelves in the corner.] _

SHERLOCK: Take your pick.

JOHN: I'll go with The Hobbit trilogy. I've got this old, battered collection from my dad. It's a wonder they've survived all these years.

SHERLOCK: John loves those books more than he loves me.

JOHN: Oh, you know that's not true.

_ [Sherlock turns away and bites back a smile as John picks another question.] _

JOHN: 'How do you feel about Sherlock's brother? Answer honestly.' I'm gonna blame whatever happens next on this question.

SHERLOCK: God, I despise him.

JOHN: Oh, he's okay.

SHERLOCK: He really isn't.

JOHN: It's just a sibling rivalry thing. You know, the day after Sherlock and I met, I met Sherlock's brother. He considered himself to be your archenemy.

SHERLOCK: He offered you money to spy on me.

JOHN: I didn't take it.

SHERLOCK: That says more about your character than his.

JOHN: Don't be like that. Admit it, I know you love him somewhere in that cold dead chest.

_ [Sherlock doesn't agree, but he doesn't deny it either. John smirks cheekily and offers the deerstalker to Sherlock, who takes yet another question out.] _

SHERLOCK: 'When did you first realise that you were in love?’ (turns to John) Wha– Are these all relationship questions?

JOHN: I just went down the list by which ones had the most likes. Don’t look at me, answer the question.

SHERLOCK: Fine. Honestly? The end of that very first night, at the end of  _ A Study in Pink _ . With that stupid shock blanket.

JOHN: The shock blanket wasn’t that bad. It’s standard protocol. You did just watch a man get shot a few feet away from you.

SHERLOCK: Well, not the first time. Your turn.

JOHN: It definitely took me  _ much _ longer. Maybe a year?

SHERLOCK: Worst year of my life. You had six girlfriends in that time span.

JOHN: I still like to think of it as ‘not gay.’ More like… I don’t know, straight but with an exception.

_ [John peers into the deerstalker, pulling out a slip of paper.] _

JOHN: Well, this is the last one. ‘It’s almost the new year. So, any resolutions?’ Uh, I can’t think of any right now. I’m pretty happy where I am. My sister’s doing better, and I’ve got this one–  _ [he points to Sherlock] _ –to keep me company.

SHERLOCK: Would “being less ‘me’” make a good resolution?

JOHN: Oh, you’re fine the way you are.

SHERLOCK: Next time I get half of Scotland Yard out for my head, I’ll quote you.

_ [John shakes his head fondly, and Sherlock lets out a little laugh.] _

JOHN: Well, that’s all we have for today. Happy new year in advance, and we’ll see you all next year.

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ yeetus the fetus _ – AAAA THEY'RE SO CUTEEEE   
[895 LIKES]

_ Laura Day _ – "The gay is genetic" better turn into an iconic quote   
[1,087 LIKES]

_ Kool Aid Man _ – the way sherlock’s just like “yeah i nearly die sometimes get over it” i-   
[713 LIKES]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to update this in 2020, but my phone died, so. Happy 2021!
> 
> (Also, comments are always appreciated! They really do boost motivation and mean a lot 🥺)


	11. New Year's (and Sherlock's Birthday)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about the (extremely) late update! I couldn't settle on a proper way to write Sherlock's mother while still putting a bit of an original spin on it. Hope I didn't do too badly >.<
> 
> Also, this update's about double the usual length - my very, very belated New Year's gift to you all :)

_ [John waves and grins from his spot in front of the desk.] _

JOHN: Hi! This is actually recorded  _ after _ the rest of the video. Just wanted to give you guys an update – this is late because Sherlock’s birthday was on the sixth and we went up to his mum’s for the week.

_ [He chuckles.] _

JOHN: Frankly, I think she’s more threatening than anyone else we’ve ever been up against. Put together. I fully believe that she would’ve came down to London and dragged us up by the ear. Or maybe have Sherlock’s brother do it. You’ll see what I mean. Anyway, enjoy!

\--------------------

_ [It’s bright in 221B. In the background, there’s the familiar clatter of Sherlock’s experiments. John sits in front of his desk.] _

JOHN: So, a very happy new year to everyone! Hope it goes better than the last. First things first. Sherlock, how do you feel about your mum?

_ [In the kitchen, Sherlock sets down his tools and walks over to the living room. He looks at the camera and narrows his eyes.] _

SHERLOCK: Are you trying to use YouTube as a way to guilt-trip me into saying yes?

JOHN: (innocently) Of course not! I wouldn’t ever do that to you.

SHERLOCK: Yes you would.

JOHN: Okay, maybe. But come on! It’s your mother! I’m sure she’s lovely.

_ [Sherlock makes a face directly into the camera as if he’s on  _ The Office _.] _

SHERLOCK: She’s like me. But worse.

JOHN: Let’s think of it as better, shall we?

SHERLOCK: I think she watches all your videos.

JOHN: And so do you! So she wants to stay updated on how you’re doing. There’s nothing wrong with that. You never even call.

_ [Sherlock frowns.] _

SHERLOCK: Of course I call her. I wasn’t raised in a barn, you know.

JOHN: That’s gotta be the worst lie you’ve ever come up with. We’re going.

SHERLOCK: One head. That’s all I ask.

_ [John prepares to say no, but he sighs in resignation.] _

JOHN: One head. Three days.

\--------------------

_ [Sherlock and John are now in a car, with Sherlock at the wheel. In the passenger seat, John leans back comfortably, keeping the camera steady as they go down the motorway.] _

JOHN: We have about three hours to kill, so I figured I’d bring out the camera.

SHERLOCK: You brought that?

JOHN: Of course I did. Why not?

SHERLOCK: Why did I ever agree to this?

JOHN: Because I said yes to the head.

_ [Sherlock nods absent-mindedly (which can’t be good considering he’s driving). John seems unperturbed by this.] _

JOHN: Anyway, yes, Sherlock drives. He does prefer cabs, but my leg’s kinda crap, so we’d rather not take the risk. Besides, it appeals to his… I don’t know. Sherlock-ness.

SHERLOCK: I’m right here, you know.

JOHN: Yes, and if you get us killed, I’ll kill you.

_ [Sherlock makes a face. John turns to look at him and smiles fondly.] _

\--------------------

_ [The car is parked at a petrol station, with Sherlock nowhere to be seen. Past that, we can see the scenery, which is definitely more country than earlier.] _

JOHN: Sherlock’s fueling up on snacks, so I’m taking this chance to… I don’t know, really. Stretch my legs? There’s…  _ (he glances at his watch) _ ...about an hour left. Frankly, I’ve never met Sherlock’s mother before, and neither of them ever mention her. But hey, she can’t be that bad. I mean, look how Sherlock turned out.

_ [He pauses.] _

JOHN: It sounds like I’m just trying to convince myself now, doesn’t it?

_ [John looks up, hearing something that the camera can’t quite pick up. He smoothly catches a bag of crisps, no doubtedly from Sherlock. The two of them settle back into the car, and John wrinkles his nose at a smell.] _

JOHN: Is that coffee?

SHERLOCK: Yep.

_ [He pops the ‘p’ and pointedly takes a sip from his drink.] _

JOHN: Okay.

\--------------------

_ [The camera shows peaceful woods and a sprawling Victorian manor, ivy creeping up the sides of the building, making it look cosy and inviting. Your transcriber sighs longingly and wishes that she would be able to afford something like that one day. Her sentiments are apparently reflected in John, who climbs out of the car and looks across at Sherlock.] _

JOHN: You live  _ here? _

SHERLOCK: Lived. Let’s get this over with, shall we?

_ [Sherlock slams the car door and heads towards the house, the Coat™ billowing behind him. John looks at the camera and sighs.] _

JOHN: Why does this feel like I'm in a video game and the words “Background Story Unlocked” just appeared?

\--------------------

_ [It’s nearly night by the time John next sets up the camera, which is seemingly balancing precariously on the railing of a balcony. An outdoor light illuminates the area.] _

JOHN: Sherlock is a drama queen. His mother is  _ wonderful. _ And I’m not just saying that because I’m technically sitting in her house. She actually is.

_ [He pauses for a second.] _

JOHN: Okay, so she’s a bit… eccentric. But it’s just the family resemblance, isn’t it? It’s the one thing that they all have in common. I spent a lot of time wondering how Sherlock and his brother are actually related, but I see it now.

_ [Someone knocks on the door, and John goes to answer it. We hear a woman’s voice, but she’s mostly obstructed by John.] _

WOMAN: Hello, John. I was just looking for Sherlock.

JOHN: I think he’s downstairs.

_ [The woman peeks around John and notices the camera.] _

WOMAN: Oh, are you recording for your YouTube channel?

JOHN: Yep. You’re welcome to stay, if you’d like.

WOMAN:  _ (chuckles) _ Of course! Oh, this feels like a celebrity interview or something.

_ [John adjusts the camera, making it so that both of them are in view. The woman makes herself at home in the chair across from John. We get a proper look – she has greying, slightly curly hair, pale eyes, and of course, those trademark cheekbones. It’s Sherlock’s mother.] _

JOHN: So, here’s Sherlock’s mother, Violet. Which, by the way, Sherlock was completely wrong. We should come up more often. It’s so nice.

VIOLET: Well, there’s Sherlock and London. The two of them are practically inseparable – but not as much as you and him, dear. And that brother of his.

_ [She tsk’s, shaking her head, but with a fond smile.] _

VIOLET: Speaking of, how’s Greg? Better be treating my boy right.

_ [The words "if he knows what's good for him" hangs in the air like a threat. John looks a bit intimidated by the sudden protectiveness that enters her voice.] _

JOHN: They’re… great. Better than great. Both of them are busy, you know, with what they do, but from what I’ve heard, they make it work.

VIOLET:  _ (smiles cheerfully) _ That’s good to hear. You know my boys; they find the time to do… whatever it is they do, but they won’t call home every once in a while.

JOHN: Oh, I think we could figure out something.

_ [The two grin at each other, just a hint of mischievousness creeping onto both of their faces.] _

\--------------------

_ [John brings the camera into a spacious living room, Sherlock lying on the couch with a fire going in the fireplace. Sherlock hears him enter and sits up, narrowing his eyes slightly as he looks John up and down.] _

SHERLOCK: I see you had a nice conversation with my mother.

_ [John wordlessly tells Sherlock to scoot over, and he takes the newly vacated area. He places the camera down on the table in front of them, and Sherlock lies back down, his head resting in John’s lap.] _

SHERLOCK: You should’ve dragged my brother along. He’s the diplomat.

JOHN: Oh, God no. I can’t leave you two alone for five minutes without subtle death threats and the like. A week? I’d go insane. Why don’t you ever call home?

SHERLOCK: Hypocrite.

_ [John opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it in resignation.] _

JOHN: Fair enough. But Harry is… The point is, your mum is lonely. Wouldn’t do you any harm.

SHERLOCK: You know, there’s a reason why my brother and I are the way we are. She’s just better at hiding the antisocial part.

JOHN: Think it gets better with age?

SHERLOCK: You do know who you’re talking to, right?

_ [John lets out a little laugh, and Sherlock smiles. In the background, unnoticed by John and Sherlock but picked up by the camera, is Violet, watching the two of them with a soft smile.] _

\--------------------

_ [John is in a bedroom, sitting at the edge of a bed. The drawn curtains suggest that it’s night.] _

JOHN: It’s actually the  _ third _ day that we’ve been here, but I didn’t get much of a chance to record. We went exploring in the woods for a bit – nearly got lost a few times, but let’s just pretend that that never happened, shall we?

_ [He looks down at his watch.] _

JOHN: It’s getting late. I should probably go back to our bedroom soon. Which – well, this is a guest bedroom, but Sherlock’s doing God knows what right now, and at least this way, I can claim plausible deniability. I don’t think Violet’d be particularly surprised if something blows up, considering from what I’ve seen, he’s been like this all his life, but I’d rather not either way.

_ [With a sigh, John picks up the camera, flipping it so that we get a view of the hallway as he heads down to their bedroom.] _

JOHN: Let’s see what Sherlock’s up to, shall we?

_ [John pushes open the last door on the left, revealing Sherlock at the desk, his eyes closed and hands in a prayer position, clearly deep in thought. Quietly, John slips back out into the hallway, closing the door but not fully shutting it.] _

JOHN: Or not. He’s in his mind palace – it’s for storing memories and whatnot. Best not disturb him. He’s said before that it’s fine and I don’t bother him much, but Sherlock’s a terrible liar once you get to know him for long enough. Anyway, I’ll just go doze on the couch or something.

\--------------------

_ [John is, once again, filming in a bedroom (albeit a different one from last time). Bright light streams in through the windows.] _

JOHN: So, yesterday was actually Sherlock’s birthday. I didn’t film anything since he’s not too big on birthdays – if we let him have his way, he’d just completely ignore it because “it’s a normal day for everyone else, why shouldn’t it be for me” or something. Anyway, he is now checking up on an experiment that he started when we got here, because it wouldn’t be Sherlock otherwise.

_ [Heading onto the balcony, John points out a figure in the distance.] _

JOHN: There he is. He probably wouldn’t hear me from here, though.

_ [He goes back inside, closing the doors behind him.] _

JOHN: It’s actually a pretty nice day out today. Kind of cold, but it’s the middle of winter, so not much you can do about it. Can’t magically change the weather.

_ [John hums thoughtfully.] _

JOHN: I’ve considered getting Sherlock a pet, but somehow, it feels like both the best and worst thought I’ve ever had. He’s not careless enough to accidentally poison it, but he’s definitely careful enough to purposely poison it.

_ [He pauses.] _

JOHN: You know what, let’s just pretend I didn’t say anything, because he ends up watching these videos and then I get complained to because no, Sherlock, you’re not a child, but sometimes you’re just like a child. Except with… a knife. Or some other dangerous weapon that a child definitely should not have.

\--------------------

_ [John is patiently waiting by the car as in the background, Sherlock and Violet have a conversation, too faint to be picked up by the camera.] _

JOHN: We’re heading home soon. I feel like I didn’t record nearly as much as I wanted to. And I definitely would’ve liked to include Violet some more. The little snippet I caught doesn’t do her justice enough, I think. She’s so fiercely protective of her sons. It’s just a bit – no, it's definitely terrifying. But the family resemblance is clearly there, and not just in physical features. Pretty sure my I.Q. drops 10 points for each Holmes I’m in the presence of.

_ [Despite that last line, John has a smile on his face.] _

JOHN: I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.

_ [With one final hug to his mother, Sherlock begins walking towards the car, and John looks over to him.] _

SHERLOCK: You have that stupid, sappy smile again.

JOHN:  _ (mock-offended) _ I thought you love my stupid, sappy smile.

_ [Sherlock gives him a quick kiss before getting in the car. A few moments later, John does so too.] _

SHERLOCK: Can’t wait until we get back to London.

JOHN: One of these days, I’ll find a way to get all of us up here. Greg and your brother too. Think your mum would like that.

_ [Sherlock groans.] _

SHERLOCK: It was a bad idea agreeing to come.

JOHN: At least we’re stopping by Bart’s for your head. Molly texted me, said she’s got one.

_ [Sherlock turns away and starts the engine in a crappy attempt to hide his look of anticipation.] _

JOHN: Oh, just don’t get the brains on the ceiling again, will you?

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ Lara Lawyer _ – Sherlock’s mother is amazing and anyone who says otherwise is wrong (ง •̀_•́)ง    
[1,007 LIKES]

_ consulting dorktective _ – Anyone else remember the Q&A where Sherlock said he only drinks tea? No? Just me? 👀   
[706 LIKES]

_ cyan kale fairy tail _ – i already sense all the happy belated birthday art about to flood social media god help me   
[479 LIKES]


	12. Sherlock Bullies Americans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I recognise that my posting "schedule" (can I even call it that?) is getting more and more sporadic, but in my defense, each update is getting longer and longer so hopefully, that makes up for it :)

_ [John is standing by the doorway of the flat, dressed in comfortable clothes and a warm coat for the cold January weather. It's nighttime, but the flat is properly lit. All of the various paraphilia have been neatly put into piles – or rather, what could be considered neat for 221B.] _

JOHN: Hi! A bit of a special video for you all this time. We're heading off to America!

_ [He briefly flips the camera to show two luggages and a backpack for each of them, all stuffed to the brim. Just a bit to the side is Sherlock's violin case.] _

JOHN: It's just for a case, so we're not actually sure how long we'll be gone, but Sherlock estimates two weeks or so, so it'll probably spill over into next week's video. We don't usually go so far for cases, but there are the occasional exceptions for the ones that Sherlock deems very interesting. Or, every now and then, as a favour to someone. I'm told that New York City gets very cold in January. Who knows, maybe we'll run into a few fans across the pond.

_ [John looks past the camera at someone out of view, most likely Sherlock.] _

JOHN: So, ready to go? No mould cultures that'll take over the entire flat, or decomposing body parts in the fridge?

SHERLOCK: (sarcastically) Flattered that you think so highly of me, John.

_ [John adjusts his grip on the camera to get Sherlock in frame as well. Said detective is putting on his Coat™, and he wrinkles his nose at the camera. John simply grins and slings his backpack over his shoulder.] _

\------------------------------

_ [Cut to the airport, where John is sitting at a relatively quiet table in a corner.] _

JOHN: Sorry about the background noise – after all, it's an airport, not much I can do about that. Our flight's been delayed by a few hours, which – surprise, surprise – Sherlock predicted, so he's off to find us some Chinese. It's almost two in the morning, so everyone's miserable. Fun.

_ [He tries to stifle a yawn and mostly succeeds.] _

JOHN: To be honest, I've never particularly liked flying. I'll put up with it when I have to, but I don't think I've ever had a positive experience in the air. First time they took us up back in the army days, I almost threw up on my CO, and I think he would've killed me with the force of his glare alone.

_ [He chuckles dryly.] _

JOHN: Sherlock and I have a bet on how long the flight'll be delayed. Yes, I know I'll probably lose because he's a genius, but there's no other way to pass the time. We're at Terminal 5, in case anyone is wondering, and not to complain because I've had to deal with way worse, but the wi-fi's crappy, there's just about no chargers anywhere, and there is no way this isn't maximum capacity because there isn't a single empty space around that I can see. And it's notorious for luggage thieves, or so I'm told.

_ [John suddenly perks up, and a few moments later, Sherlock joins him, bringing with him an offering of fried noodles. John takes it graciously, propping the camera up on what seems to be his backpack before digging in.] _

SHERLOCK: I'd expected you to bring the whole camera. At this rate, your phone's battery is going to run out before we even get on the plane.

JOHN: Camera's too bulky, which you would've known if you bothered packing anything.

SHERLOCK: In all fairness, I was busy with the whole fish thing.

JOHN: I can't tell if you're talking about the case or that one experiment that left us scraping fish guts off the ceiling for hours. Because if it's the second one, you have no excuse.

SHERLOCK: (innocently) Is both an option?

_ [John elects to ignore the question, eating his noodles while staring directly into the camera with a look that says 'kill me now.'] _

SHERLOCK: You know, you said three. Not too late to change your mind on the bet.

_ [John playfully shoves him.] _

JOHN: Oh, shut up.

\------------------------------

_ [In the dim of the plane, John can just barely be made out, slightly illuminated by the open window to his left. Resting on his shoulder is Sherlock, fast asleep. He smiles at the camera before turning to Sherlock. John doesn't say anything, careful not to wake Sherlock up, but his fond expression and the arm curled around Sherlock says more than words ever could. Your transcriber aww's at the moment and takes more screenshots than is healthy for her rubbish phone storage.] _

\------------------------------

_ [John looks absolutely tired out of his mind as he stands by a conveyor belt, looking for his and Sherlock’s bags.] _

JOHN: I lost the bet, as expected, so I’ve been sacrificed to pick up our bags. This feels worse than Heathrow, which is a sentence that I never thought I'd be saying. Gotta admit, I expected my first impression of America to be better. But at the same time, I expected worse.

_ [He sighs, rapidly blinking the sleep out of his eyes.] _

JOHN: ‘The city that never sleeps,’ they call it. Is it true that Americans pretty much live off of caffeine? We ran into a couple of them back in the army days but you know, everyone changes a few details to make it a better story. Not much entertainment out there, other than finding where the sand ended up this time and laughing and/or crying over shared misery.

_ [He grabs their bags from the conveyor belt and gives the camera one last exhausted look.] _

JOHN: I hate time zones.

\------------------------------

_ [John is sitting at the desk of their hotel room, the windows to his right allowing bright light in. We can just barely make out the Manhattan skyline and what appears to be the Empire State Building in the distance.] _

JOHN: So, as you can see, we're in the hotel room now. I didn't get much sleep last night – maybe three hours? – but I'm pretty sure Sherlock didn't sleep at all.

_ [He levels a pointed glare at someone, presumably Sherlock.] _

SHERLOCK: Wasn't tired.

JOHN: One of these days, you'll get yourself killed. You didn't sleep on the plane either, did you?

SHERLOCK: I dozed. For an hour.

_ [John gives Sherlock a look that says 'I know you're completely lying to me but we're both gonna pretend that I believe you.'] _

JOHN: Anyway, we'll be heading out soon for the day. If we come back covered in bruises and scrapes, you think they'll let us up?

SHERLOCK: Oh, we'll figure something out. Ready to go?

_ [Sherlock dips into frame just long enough to plant a quick kiss on John's cheek. The action feels natural and comfortable – it's as if it's become a habit among the two.] _

JOHN: Your breath smells like coffee.

SHERLOCK: Have you ever tried American tea? It's repulsive. I'd rather drink coffee.

JOHN: Or go a day without any form of caffeine.

_ [Sherlock presumably makes a face at the thought, and John laughs.] _

\------------------------------

_ [John is in the same spot, but it’s nighttime, the Manhattan skyline to his right brightly illuminated. On the bed behind him is Sherlock, sitting cross-legged and absently plucking at his violin.] _

JOHN: Didn’t get much done today, just went to go talk to the client and check out the crime scene. And, just calling it now, but Sherlock–  _ [he jerks a thumb over his shoulder at Sherlock] _ –will get arrested at least once, considering our little run-in with the NYPD today. I’m surprised none of them took a swing at him.

_ [Sherlock violently plucks his D string.] _

SHERLOCK: I can hear you.

JOHN: The Yarders are used to your verbal abuse, the NYPD are not. Just… something, will ya?

SHERLOCK: No.

_ [John lets out a long-suffering sigh and turns back to the camera.] _

JOHN: Why do I even try?

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ AJ Ackerman _ \- half this video is john complaining about airports which is Extremely Valid   
[719 LIKES]

_ insert name here _ \- There is nothing I want more in this world than a video of Sherlock bullying cops   
[665 LIKES]

_ Sarah Chen _ \- Welcome to NYC! I live in Queens, would love to meet you two :D   
[487 LIKES]


	13. Valentine's Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! And sorry about the late update, I was celebrating Lunar New Year with my family :P
> 
> side note: god I wish social media fics were easier like I'm sorry but I'm not smart enough to set up a Twitter for this, no matter how much I want to-

_ [John is sitting in the corner of a cosy little café, calm music playing in the background. Outside, it appears to be snowing.] _

JOHN: First of all, I'd like to wish a happy Lunar New Year to everyone celebrating! There'll be a huge parade here from what I hear, but unfortunately, Sherlock and I probably won't be able to make it. He's onto something with the case, so I'm guessing we'll probably be heading home by the end of the week.

_ [He pauses to take a sip from his drink.] _

JOHN: But hopefully, we'll be extending our stay just a bit in time for Valentine's Day. I've been making plans, because frankly, both of us are romantics at heart and New York has a certain feel that I can't quite place. It's good, though.

_ [John glances out the window, frowning at the snow.] _

JOHN: It's really coming down, isn't it? We don't get much snow in London. The weather forecast promised a foot and a half. I thought they were kidding, but…

_ [He gestures to the window with a look that says 'oh well, what can you do about it.'] _

JOHN: Oh, and before I forget. If all goes well, I have another Q&A planned for when we get back to London. It's been a while, and you guys seem to love them, so keep an eye out for that on Twitter.

\------------------------------

_ [John looks positively gleeful as he and Sherlock walk through the streets of New York City. Sherlock, on the other hand, scowls when he sees the camera.] _

JOHN: Guess who just got arrested? Told you.

SHERLOCK: You should not be this happy.

JOHN: I just won a hundred quid from Lestrade. I should be happy.

_ [Sherlock splutters for a bit.] _

SHERLOCK: You  _ bet _ on me getting arrested?

JOHN: I said first week, Lestrade said second. Neither of us are particularly optimistic about your people skills.

SHERLOCK: Fair.

_ [They walk in comfortable silence for a bit.] _

SHERLOCK: My guess is that you’ll also end up being arrested by the end of this.

JOHN: Why me? And no, you’re not allowed to purposely do something, you wanker.

_ [Sherlock gives him an ‘oh look, the little puppy doesn’t get it yet’ look. John, unfazed, shoots back a look of his own.] _

SHERLOCK: Statistically, when I get arrested, you have a 58% chance of following suit. I’ll take those odds.

_ [John frowns, thinking.] _

JOHN: That often, huh? My record must look like a nightmare.

SHERLOCK: Oh, don’t worry about it. It probably gets cleared regularly.

JOHN: I know, but it’s the principle of it.

SHERLOCK: You don’t really mean it.

JOHN: No, I don’t.

_ [The two sport matching shit-eating grins.] _

\------------------------------

_ [John is sitting at the desk in the hotel room. On the bed behind him is Sherlock.] _

JOHN: So, it’s midnight, so technically February 13th right now. We’ve just wrapped up the case. Unfortunately, this video’s probably going to end up pretty short – couldn’t get much filming in, what with us being a nuisance to society and all. And getting arrested.

_ [In the background, Sherlock snorts.] _

SHERLOCK: Told you.  And I’m the only nuisance to society. I work hard for that title.

JOHN: Mmm, the cops would probably disagree. I mean, I’m all for cuffs and all, but come on.

_ [Sherlock gives the camera a pointed look like he’s on  _ The Office _. John laughs awkwardly, high-pitched and tense, and runs a hand through his hair.] _

JOHN: I think I need sleep. Caffeine is, clearly, not a good substitute. I’ll finish this tomorrow.

SHERLOCK: Blog entry for this one?

JOHN: Probably not. There was a lot of…

_ [He waves an arm vaguely, but Sherlock seems to get the message.] _

JOHN: Chaos. That’s the word for it. Definitely chaos.

\------------------------------

_ [John is sitting at a park, late afternoon light casting an ethereal glow over everything. He’s dressed in a nice outfit underneath his coat to accommodate for the chilly weather.] _

JOHN: I kind of forgot to pick up where I left off last time, but here we are anyway. Right now, I’m in Central Park, and I’ve texted Sherlock my location, and he said he’ll be here in five, which really means ten minutes. If all goes well, well… you’ll see.

_ [With a wink, he ends the video there.] _

* * *

** COMMENTS: **

_ JOHNLOCK STAN _ \- EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO TO THEIR TWITTER RIGHT NOW I THINK JOHN JUST FREAKING PROPOSED   
[3,481 LIKES]

_ Cilla Goodman _ \- next q&a is gonna crash my computer, bet   
[1,905 LIKES]

_ JakeJack _ \- being in the notification gang has never been better like we really be thrivin here   
[1,007 LIKES]


	14. A Big Announcement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about this update being later than expected – I've been having issues with Google Docs lately, and my break just ended, so I'm getting attacked with school assignments again.
> 
> (Oh, and if anyone knows how to fix the "Out of Memory" error – please, let me know! I've tried everything, even factory resetting my computer, and that worked for a glorious 3 minutes. Or, if you've got another website that works, I'll take that too!)
> 
> As always, kudos and comments mean the world to me! On with the story!

_ TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: Another livestream! In my totally not biased opinion, they do not do enough livestreams, but to be fair, they tend to be extremely chaotic, which is… well, chaotic. Anyways, enjoy! _

_ [Back in Baker Street, John sets up the camera before sitting down on the sofa. The space next to him is empty, and he gives the camera an apologetic smile.] _

JOHN: As you can tell, we’re back home. Sherlock’ll be here soon, he’s just got a few things to take care of. Uh, sit tight.

_ [He steps out of frame for a few minutes. We hear some faint clattering, most likely from the kitchen, and John sits back down.] _

JOHN: Sorry about that. This stream isn’t particularly coordinated, is it?

_ [John hears something that the camera doesn’t quite catch, and he glances in the direction of the kitchen.] _

JOHN: Get some tea, will you? I’ve put the kettle on.

_ [A moment later, Sherlock pops into frame, settling down on the couch and handing John a teacup. John takes a sip, deeming it acceptable, and puts it off to the side.] _

JOHN: So. Uh. You’ve got questions.

SHERLOCK: Brilliant deduction there.

_ [John playfully swats at him before grabbing Sherlock’s left hand with his right. John holds up his own left hand, the simple metal band glinting in the light. He turns a worrying shade of red before dropping his hand onto his lap.] _

JOHN: Yeah. That happened in New York. Ask away.

_ [As they look through the comments, Sherlock makes a face.] _

SHERLOCK: Not the best coming out you could’ve executed, John.

JOHN: (amused) How would you have done it?

SHERLOCK: Maybe I could’ve popped out of a cake. My brother would surely appreciate it. If you’re watching, brother dear, how’s the diet?

_ [John shakes his head fondly before leaning back into the sofa.] _

JOHN: Anyway. First question, which is the one I’ve seen the most so far: ‘How did he propose?’ Let’s get something clear first – don’t ever propose, I think I was going to throw up. Second of all, don’t ever propose to Sherlock Holmes, it wasn’t even  _ remotely _ close to a surprise.

SHERLOCK: To be fair, you were quite obvious about it.

JOHN: How–? You know what, never mind. Anyway, Sherlock showed up about two minutes after I'd put away the camera. I blurted out some stuff that vaguely resembled "I love you"–

SHERLOCK: He said, "You're the best and most selfless man I've ever met, and no matter what, I'll always love you, so will you do me the honour of allowing me to be your husband?"

JOHN: I did? Well, that's not too bad.

SHERLOCK: I'd say you did perfect. But maybe I'm a bit biased.

_ [John grins and pecks him on the cheek.] _

SHERLOCK: And then I told him that I obviously would and he's an idiot for thinking otherwise.

JOHN: (dryly) How romantic.

SHERLOCK: Yes, I think so.

_ [John takes a drink of tea and leans forward for another question.] _

JOHN: Wow. Okay. Uh, a lot of people asking 'when's the wedding?'

SHERLOCK: Mrs Hudson thinks a spring wedding would be lovely.

JOHN: You know what, that sounds good. Few months of wedding planning. Can't be that bad, right?

SHERLOCK: Lestrade should take notes.

_ [John turns to stare at Sherlock for a few seconds.] _

JOHN: You mean...

SHERLOCK: Of course they're next. And he's been fidgety ever since you told him. Considering his career, he's even worse at hiding things than you are, and that's saying something.

_ [Clearly trying to process this, John blinks a few times before moving on.] _

JOHN: Alright, next. 'Ever consider getting a pet?'

SHERLOCK: We could get a dog.

JOHN: That'd be nice, actually. But I draw the line at taking the dog to crime scenes.

SHERLOCK: Why not? We could get a beagle or something, it'd be a huge help. People train dogs for this sort of thing.

JOHN: Maybe.

SHERLOCK: I'll take that as a yes.

JOHN: Looks like we're probably getting a dog, then.

_ [Sherlock, grinning triumphantly, chooses another question, a feat in itself considering how quickly the chat is going.] _

SHERLOCK: 'Will we be getting a glimpse of the wedding?' John?

JOHN: Uh, I'm actually not too sure on this one. We'll need to talk it over. But right now, I'm leaning towards a no. Maybe the odd photo?

_ [He shrugs.] _

JOHN: Next question: 'What's your favourite thing about the other?' That's a hard one. I know most people'd expect me to say something like "his intellect," but frankly, I'm gonna go with the hair.

SHERLOCK: The hair?

JOHN: It's just so… fluffy. And messy. And I don't know, so perfectly  _ you. _

_ [Grinning, John reaches up to untangle Sherlock's riotous curls, which Sherlock expertly dodges. Sherlock frowns, making John laugh.] _

JOHN: I thought you loved me.

SHERLOCK: Not anymore.

_ [John gasps in mock hurt just as the doorbell rings. Both of them look towards the door, as if expecting to see someone there. John turns to address the camera.] _

JOHN: Sorry about that, guys, I'll be right back. In the meantime, Sherlock can… blow something up. I don't know. Don't actually blow something up.

_ [He heads down the stairs, and the camera picks up on his retreating footsteps. Meanwhile, Sherlock lies down on the couch, just barely visible to the camera.] _

SHERLOCK: I've always wondered. John seeks danger, the adrenaline of the chase. He could've gotten that from so many other places, most of them less prone to decapitated heads in the fridge. Why me?

_ [He stays silent for a moment before sitting up with a groan.] _

SHERLOCK: No, don't answer that. I'm probably too late; most of you have most likely taken to the chat to reassure me that it's because of love or fate or whatever people like to believe in these days. Not that I don't believe in love, because obviously, I have John, but I don't believe in love at first sight. Relationships need effort from both ends; they need time to develop and grow.

_ [John’s voice carries up the stairs, followed by two pairs of footsteps.] _

JOHN: Since when did you become an expert on relationships?

SHERLOCK: Since you proposed.

_ [Sherlock sits up and scoots over to make room for John, who shoves him over some more before sitting down. DI Lestrade pokes his head into frame.] _

LESTRADE: Oh, sorry, am I interrupting? I can come back–

JOHN: No, it’s fine.

SHERLOCK: And hand over the case file.

_ [John snatches the manila file straight out of Sherlock’s waiting hands with a look.] _

JOHN: Later. Oh, and Greg – how would you feel about a quick Q&A with the fans? It’ll just take 10 minutes of your time.

LESTRADE: Sure.

_ [Lestrade sits down on John’s left (our right), with Sherlock to John’s right (our left). John seems to mentally steel himself before looking for more questions.] _

JOHN: Sorry about that, guys. Question for you, Greg – ‘Are you dating Sherlock’s brother?’

_ [LeLestrade turns to look at John, who just shrugs as if to say ‘go for it.’] _

LESTRADE: I don’t know if dating’s the right word for it, but let’s say yes. He’s… definitely unique.

JOHN: And there’s the whole Holmes family wrapped up in a nutshell.

SHERLOCK: My brother is a pompous, arrogant idiot with nothing better to do than to ruin the lives of everyone around him.

JOHN: Frankly, I could say the same about you. Alright – ‘To John and DI Lestrade: how does it feel to be around Sherlock when he’s doing his deductions on cases?’

LESTRADE: I think I can speak for the rest of the force when I say that I want to throttle him. He’s quite mad, but he’s also a genius, and we wouldn’t have solved some of these without him.

JOHN: There you go. Ego stoked enough?

SHERLOCK: No, not nearly. Keep going.

_ [John smiles but doesn’t say anything in response to that.] _

JOHN: ‘Sherlock, if you were the one proposing to John, how would you do it?’

_ [Sherlock goes quiet at this, thinking for a moment.] _

SHERLOCK: Well, first of all, I wouldn’t get down on one knee – that’s an ancient tradition, and I don’t see the point of it. In fact, I don’t see the point of a wedding. Two people who love each other kiss, eat some cake, get a fancy piece of paper, and then keep on loving each other.

LESTRADE: Yes, John. He really  _ is _ quite a charmer, huh?

JOHN: Yep.

_ [Sherlock, to his credit, seems unperturbed at this.] _

JOHN: Alright, last one, because Sherlock seems ready to attack me for that case file –

_ [John gives Lestrade a mischievous grin.] _

JOHN: ‘Detective Inspector, when are you going to propose too?’

_ [Lestrade groans, while Sherlock and John are both grinning at his misery.] _

LESTRADE: No comment.

_ [Laughing, John reaches for the camera.] _

JOHN: All right, that’s enough for one day.

* * *

**COMMENTS:**

_ Totoro _ \- john being an awkward bean is such a mood omg   
[2,739 LIKES]

_ Johnlock forever _ \- CONGRATULATIONS GUYS!!!   
[3,206 LIKES]

_ i like trains _ \- seeing DI Lestrade in the middle of it was not anticipated but now that we have him, you can’t have him back   
[2,411 LIKES]


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